GlassAngel at Home

My alone time has made me start to think...I'm sure in a very unhealthy way.

But with the inability to speak to him to assure myself that everything is cool all I can do is try and tell myself this is true, that this time it will work. All of the doubts I normally don't have time to even think about have hit me full force today. The almost paralyzing fear that I will screw this relationship up too with my moodiness, inability to hold my temper or to compromise when I feel things should go my way.

The thought that we fell to hard to fast is always in the back of my mind. Making me wonder if this is real, or just all in my mind. How can someone become so important, so ingrained in me in such a short amount of time? How do I know this is real...that what I feel isn't just extreme gratefulness that someone actually wants me,just as I am. How do I trust that he means it when he says it, when everyone else has taken it back, when they learned what I was really like.

Add to that the intimacy issue and you have a train wreck in my mind. My brain races thinking that some how that issue is my fault....or worse yet that is signals that he really doesn't want me as much as he says he does. I don't think I could take it if it was the last one...that would be such a crushing blow to my self esteem.

I know this is just me missing him desperately....but it doesn't help that it is all stuff that is in the back of my mind. My logical brain is saying that if all this stuff is coming out the first break I have from him it means I should slow things down a little.

When I am with him I feel loved...I feel like he would do anything to make me happy. I know I would do the same for him, but I always feel like I am not giving enough...like he is doing more. I'm oh so happy when I am with him...and counting the minutes when I am not.

I don't want to feel all this doubt...but I'm not sure how not too. Why does my brain always track to the unhappy...why can't it just let me be happy?

Posted in: General Life on Wednesday, July 25, 2007 at 9:02 PM 0 comments    

So R left early Saturday morning with the rest of his family on their Mexico trip. I had a really hard time Saturday (since I was still at his house, in his room) till I went to the family picnic that I had to drive back home for. I managed all day sunday by burring myself first in a big target house stuff spending spree(ahhhh retail therapy) and then came home and stuck my nose in the new Harry Potter book until it was time to go to bed.

Today at work there were a few bad time... especially when I realized it was 2 and I had had no calls or texts all day, but for the most part I was just too busy to think about it. After work I went and fed & played with the dogs at his house for a few hours then wrestled my new desk (made by the guys at work) up the stairs with the help of a neighbour. I then spent the rest of the evening putting it together and putting things in it.

Then as I'm sitting here debating going to bed it happens...my phone rings. It's him. He says the phone card only has a few min on it and asks me how F (his best friend who is staying at the house with the dogs) and the dogs are. I say we are all fine, just missing them. He says ok I have to go and I tell him I love him. He says it back, says bye and then hangs up....and that is why I want to cry.

Posted in: General Life on Monday, July 23, 2007 at 10:04 PM 0 comments    

None lost and a few gained...I am not doing well lately!


So total so far:
Week 1: -1.5 lbs
Week 2: -1.5 lbs
Week 3: +2 lbs
Week 4: -2 lbs
Week 5: -.5 lbs
Week 6: +3.5 lbs
Week 7: -1 lb
Week 8: 0 lbs
Week 9: 0 lbs
Total lost: 0 lbs

Posted in: on Tuesday, July 10, 2007 at 11:20 AM 4 comments    

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:
ass (1x) (Well shit I think I need to swear more!)

Posted in: Fun on Saturday, July 7, 2007 at 8:58 AM 0 comments    

Work is dead as a door nail, and has been for a couple of weeks. So I have been doing all the things people do when they are bored at work....blog reading and writing, myspace and other web surfing. Today I just want to leave...to go and have a little mini vacation from everyone and everything. Well ok lets be honest...not everythingjust leave me a book, chocolate and something to drink that will make me happy. Instead I will put on my happy face and go to a cookout tommorrow. FUUUUUN!

I talked to the Bride yesterday for a min and she is going crazy with it only being 8 days till the wedding. As of yet her MOH has not picked up her dress and brought it to be altered. Yes I know crazy huh that 8 days before and she hasn't got her dress yet. If I was the Bride I would be telling her she was out of the wedding. I mean come on, we ordered these things in December and were told that we would have to pay the 2nd half on them in march....it is now July. How hard is it to come up with the money in 6 months?!

Posted in: General Life on Friday, July 6, 2007 at 9:37 AM 0 comments    

Yesterday was spent being actively lazy....meaning I really did nothing, but I wasn't at home.

Tuesday night R came and stayed at my house in the city for the first time. The Cat didn't bother him as much as he thought it would so I hope this can become a more regular thing, since the privacy at his house is a little lacking for my taste.

Then in the morning we were up and out to go to the Elmwood Park parade that was a 1/2 hour late in starting so it took forever to get done with. While we waited I got to play with R's brother's new puppy, a Chug (a chuawua (sp?) pug mix), who is just too cute for words. After a short beer run we ended up at R's brother's house (he has the pool) for the family cook out. After much eating and swimming we struck out to the Elmwood Park Freedom Fest to see the fireworks. The fireworks were awesome lasting 30 non-stop minutes. The food I tried was good, but really not good for me at all. After that we went back to R's house and I came to work today from there so I didn't have to get up as early.

Tonight we have a cook demonstration to go to that is being put on by a friend of his that is in culinary school. Hopefully he makes something really good! Saturday we have another family cook out to go to,so I will have more time to not eat well this weekend.

In other news....

Last weekends cook out with the Bride (see right) & Groom went really well. They really seemed to like R and R loved them. We ended up going to see a AAA semi-pro football game of the team groom plays on (but he messed up his knee so he was doing the play-by-play announcing) that took forever to get started and over with. After the whole cake thing, I was a little worried about how the weekend was going to go, but it went really well. R's step-dad did a little bit of picking...which seems to be SOP, that I couldn't handle so I made him go to town with R and leave me alone for a while.

Now I think I best get to work...since I haven't done any yet!

Posted in: General Life on Thursday, July 5, 2007 at 9:17 AM 0 comments    

No time for a really long thing...life is still making me crazy...but atleast I didn't gain anything again!


So total so far:
Week 1: -1.5 lbs
Week 2: -1.5 lbs
Week 3: +2 lbs
Week 4: -2 lbs
Week 5: -.5 lbs
Week 6: +3.5 lbs
Week 7: -1 lb
Week 8: 0 lbs
Total lost: 0 lbs

Posted in: General Life on at 9:12 AM 0 comments