And the cracks in the armor start to show...
My alone time has made me start to think...I'm sure in a very unhealthy way.
But with the inability to speak to him to assure myself that everything is cool all I can do is try and tell myself this is true, that this time it will work. All of the doubts I normally don't have time to even think about have hit me full force today. The almost paralyzing fear that I will screw this relationship up too with my moodiness, inability to hold my temper or to compromise when I feel things should go my way.
The thought that we fell to hard to fast is always in the back of my mind. Making me wonder if this is real, or just all in my mind. How can someone become so important, so ingrained in me in such a short amount of time? How do I know this is real...that what I feel isn't just extreme gratefulness that someone actually wants me,just as I am. How do I trust that he means it when he says it, when everyone else has taken it back, when they learned what I was really like.
Add to that the intimacy issue and you have a train wreck in my mind. My brain races thinking that some how that issue is my fault....or worse yet that is signals that he really doesn't want me as much as he says he does. I don't think I could take it if it was the last one...that would be such a crushing blow to my self esteem.
I know this is just me missing him desperately....but it doesn't help that it is all stuff that is in the back of my mind. My logical brain is saying that if all this stuff is coming out the first break I have from him it means I should slow things down a little.
When I am with him I feel loved...I feel like he would do anything to make me happy. I know I would do the same for him, but I always feel like I am not giving enough...like he is doing more. I'm oh so happy when I am with him...and counting the minutes when I am not.
I don't want to feel all this doubt...but I'm not sure how not too. Why does my brain always track to the unhappy...why can't it just let me be happy?
Posted in: General Life on Wednesday, July 25, 2007 at 9:02 PM
