GlassAngel at Home

(Note: this post is several days in the making and is quite long, so if you choose to read the whole thing please get ready with some free time and a nice cup of tea. This is the beginning of the "year’s resolutions/well-being plan" posts, of which I'm sure there will be a few.)

I will be the first to admit I have low self-esteem. Always have and I have times when my low self-esteem is higher, and times when it is lower. Currently…it is the lowest it has ever been. So I’m trying to puzzle out what caused the drop to see what I can do about it.

So far I have figured out:
1. the whole dating thing
2. Current Body Image
3. Finances
4. Distance From Family
5. Time of Year

I’m going to start at the bottom and deconstruct going from easiest to deal with to hardest.

Time of Year:
Ok I know this is not the best time of year for me…winter tends to drain me and make me depressed. Not much I can do about it aside from moving to the south where the winters are a little sunnier, which I’m not really into doing. So this is a stick it out till there is more sun and more heat thing. I can do that I just need to be aware that that is what is happening and cut myself a little slack on this one.

Distance From Family:
This may seem like not a big one…but it kinda is. Family is all I really have and the whole holiday season, whipped by in a flash. I really didn’t feel like it was the holidays at all since I was not with then all the time. I miss what daily/weekly interaction with them more that I am on my own. I feel out of the loop with my own family now and that is making me feel out of sorts.

Finances:
Let me tell you something you may not believe…I suck at handling money. True I know that sounds odd, but I am. I have yet to find a system that works to keep me paying all the bills on time and not making me feel like I’m a slave to a budget. Several times a year I sit down and puzzle things out so that everyone is happy with the amount of money I give them, only to have something happen and have things blow up in my face. Currently I am not in hot water of any kind…but that could change at any moment. I really need to figure something out cause I am sick of getting late fees cause I forgot to write out the check and send it, when I have the money to pay it. I also need to get back into a “less is more” mindset. I am spending a lot of money, and I’m not quite sure where it is all going. This city is expensive to live in and I need to watch what I am spending a little more. Also The goal for this year is to start saving for a car to be bought next year and at the current rate of savings I will not have anything saved for it.

Now on to the “Top 2” which are equally hard to deal with and some what linked…..

Current Body Image:
To be frank….I don’t think I’m pretty/cute/attractive at all. Never have, period. Ironically a lot of people think my younger sister & I look identical, so far as to think pictures of her are of me. The thing that is even more ironic is that I believe my sister is beautiful. What would Freud say about that? There have been times in my life when I was ok with how I looked and had accepted how I felt about the way I looked. This is not one of those times. Currently I feel I am waaaayy to heavy, and not looking good at all. I am not at my highest weight ever, but close to and a step on the scale puts me at over 200lbs and with a body fat count of almost 50%. Not good. I did well the summer months last year in getting things on the right track and through informed eating and exercise I was able to take off almost 30lbs. It seems that track worked till I started the new job and thing when to hell after that. I need to find that track again and some motivation to stay on it, that is for me and not for the bridesmaids dress I have to wear in 6months. Where I am going to find this motivation I have no clue!

Dating:
It sucks & I hate it. Truly that is my current mood about it. I am looking for Mr. Right and NOT Mr. Right Now. Mr. Right Now seems to be all I am finding. I will be turning 30 in less than 4 months and I have always thought I would be married by now. Well guess not. I am horrible with men. I couldn’t pick a nice one if he was right in front of me. I pick the man who is unavailable to me wither it be emotionally or through his already taken status. I also seem to pick ones that don’t treat me well, or take but never give back. The men I have been seeing/dating since I have been on my own are ones who are as I term “ the whiny call” or “the booty call”, both of which I really don’t need. I know part of my problem was listed above in the body image part. If I don’t believe I am pretty/cute/whatever how can I believe the complements I get from those guys I do meet. How can I expect them to like what I don’t even like?


So that is the current take on what is up with me. Stay tuned as I figure out what this all means for me in the coming year.

Posted in: General Life on Saturday, January 6, 2007 at 9:52 PM